After binge watching Judd Apatow’s twisted Netflix series, Love, I needed something more wholesome. Little did I know, Fuller House, would take me down an even darker rabbit hole.

As I watched the opening credits roll across the San Francisco skyline (and Danny Tanner make that epic football catch) I found myself nostalgically singing-along and wondering ‘whatever happened‘ to my old pals.

How bad could it be? Our favourite cheeseball characters (sans Michelle) all reunited under that familiar townhouse roof. And true to form, each of them made their grand entrance with a punchy one-liner followed by the laughter of a live studio audience.

But about halfway through their reunion breakfast I started to feel uncomfortable. “Wait, an adult man wearing Bugs Bunny pajamas just crawled out of a basement?” “Why is nobody eating the truckload of french toast that Danny just slaved over?” “Joey’s stand-up must be dark AF by now, right?”

Questions were running deep. I just couldn’t revert to my carefree TGIF days circa ’93. And frankly, there was just too much water under the bridge (no pun intended).

I was too horrified to make it past the first episode of Fuller House, sadly, not even Uncle Joey’s Bullwinkle impressions could cheer me up this time.

Here’s the full disturbing recap…

Kimmy Gibbler still smells. Just like old times, she crashes through the kitchen door like a sh*t storm — “Ola Tannerinos!” She then proceeds to put her bare-feet on the dining room table next to Stephanie’s oatmeal. I bet you can guess what Stephanie’s response was…because, obviously. We later learn that Gibbler is raising a teenage daughter amidst a spicy divorce with her sexy ex, Fernando.

The sexual innuendos — ‘Oh, Mylanta’. When Aunt Becky alludes to giving Nicky and Alex (who are fully grown and in college) a new sibling, Uncle Jesse quickly reminds her that the ship has sailed “with all seamen lost.” Barf.

Later, Danny “talks clean” with the new Mrs. Tanner, whispering about his “feather duster.” But judging by his greasy eyes and tone, he means his “junk”. And during one unforgettably painful moment Stephanie’s busty breasts are referred to as “Dairy Queen.”

Stephanie DJ Tanner is basically Skrillex. As a world renowned DJ living in England, Stephanie returns home to sample some of her sick tracks during the Tanner rager. Of course, the first song on the docket is by New Kids On The Block. 

Why are 3 father figures scolding 2 middle aged women (wearing club clothes) in their childhood bedroom? Fans who follow the tabloids know that real life Danny Tanner (Bob Segat) is far from squeaky clean. Between “Dirty Daddy’s” raunchy stand-up shows, John Stamos’ (Uncle Jesse) weird belly button and Dave Coulier’s (Uncle Joey) alleged you-oughta-know-better-behaviour with Alanis, it’s no surprise that I’m harbouring some serious daddy issues with Full Houses’ leading men. Needless to say, the bedside pep talk with scantily clad Stephanie and DJ didn’t sit very well.

Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesse are smouldering. Climbing the stairs to their attic home has really paid off for these two. Aunt Becky is arguably better looking than she was in the 90s. Still very much in love, Uncle Jesse serenades Becky with his panty dropping classic, Forever (yes, even The Rippers make a cameo).

DJ’s high school sweetheart, Steve, is still starving.  Seriously, this guy has a tapeworm. When he’s not hoarding Lunchables, he’s flirting with DJ and supervising a pregnant golden retriever Comet Jr. Jr. (a descendant of the legendary Comet Tanner). Good news though, apparently his oversized bomber jacket makes a comeback later in the season.

Uncle Joey really needs to ‘Cut! It! Out!’ with Mr. Woodchuck, ASAP. When Uncle Joey, now 50-something, tries to soothe DJ’s infant son with Mr. Woodchuck, I felt weird inside. There’s a Pee-wee’s Playhouse vibe that’s all too real. And we all remember what happened to Pee-wee, right?

Fortunately, all of these goofballs won’t be appearing in every episode. The sequel series focuses on DJ, who is newly widowed and trying to raise her 3 young boys, alongside her sister Stephanie and best friend Kimmy. Sound familiar?